The Lighted Path

Lord,
I do feel as if you have lit the path before me clearly. The long stretch of waiting and wondering feel as if they are coming to an end and I am astounded how things seem to be working out. Of course they come with fears of their own, but Father! How you have set in place, seemingly, a team of people who can help me, and in addition the chance to write, and even better, perhaps a way to help other women along the way who struggle with these same things. I am awestruck and overwhelmed. Please be with me as I go through this journey. It will be long and I'm sure full of pitfalls that this time I hope to finally overcome with the help you are placing around me. Thank you Lord.

Thanks also for a great trip to California; intense, productive and a great time with my brother. You have used him to be so instrumental in this new journey as well and I grateful! As much as he knows you, I see how so very far he has to go to have the peace and understanding I have had the luxury to gain by your grace and the many studies I have taken which has helped me understand you further. You have graced him with so much brilliance it is hard for him to understand it all, as it has always been all his life he searches for his purpose in you even though he has had incredible worldly success, known by many, yet he still feels scared. Still wonders in confusion at time. Happiness has always been an elusive thing in our family. I pray we find it in completeness with you and that we continue moving forward towards it until we do so or you take us home.

Ben is in a tough place once again. Feeling like he's not fitting in which has plagued him all his life. Oh Lord, pry open his heart more fully. You and I know how deep that goes within him in such incredible ways. Let the love more fully flow in and out. I pray he allows you to guide him, that he allows himself to feel your peace, acceptance, complete love, that he will realize you do not condemn and judge him as he does himself, that he value himself as you (and I) do. Ignite his passion again, get him through this time. Comfort and encourage him and give me the right words to say that can in some way help him through. Send him someone he can relate to outside this home. He is the love of my life and he has so much to give that he can't see himself. Show him, Lord. And give him strength until he sees it himself.

Be with Chris. Be in Chris. Push him forward into a better life with you and give him more meaning in life than what he has. There is so much more! I pray people will not give up on him and will extend grace to him as you have, as unmerited as he deserves it.

Forgive me when I spend too little time with you. Forgive me my pride and when I am a hypocrite in my faith. Help me to be all that you want me to be. Help me to be a vessel for you, as fragile as I am in ways, and to reflect who you are to others. Forgive my weaknesses, my lack of faith, my abusing this temple as I have. I pray you can move me forward in these areas so I can be more of what you want me to be and go where I need to go. Help me to be fearless and to have the inner strength to fight in the many areas I need to, but with grace and love and dignity.

Help me to always remember I am a child of the king, no matter what others think of me.

Oh yeah - and thanks for the rain we had. Our grass was like straw no matter how we tried to water it, so the soaking 24 hour rain was a gift. Be with us as we enter hurricane season in a few days as well. Oh Lord, so many calamities all over the world I feel guilty for even asking you anything. Be with all those who are in such dire need of you.

All these things I ask according to your will.

Amen

Surrender

So I'm trying hard to be at that point of surrender, Lord. I have felt a change coming in my life for some time now, and it is as if I am finally at the bend where it really is going to happen. Please be with me through the changes and decisions ahead. It's exciting and daunting at the same time and I try to stay in a state of surrender, but boy is that hard at times.

Thank you for the possibility of help in restoring my health to the way it should be. A lot, if not most, will be in my hands and after constant failure in this area for years it's scary to have hope, but I know it is your will for me to do so and I must lean on you all the more.

I am so excited about the possibility of a writing venture with my brother. Please be with me as I go through this process. What a blessing!

Thank you for working through me as I wrote and debated Pastor K through email. He thanked me for the "theological exercise", said I had done a great job and called me a theologian! Imagine that. I replied that was the best compliment I had received all day! But really, you gave me the words to say (from your very Word!) that helped him to understand things in a different way from my point of view and he didn't refute it! I am grateful for that, as well as strengthening my thoughts on the matter that you helped point me to.

Be with me as I travel to Los Angeles next week. My brother is hungry to hear of you and my being his only spiritual feed puts pressure on me to say the right thing, so I lay it at your feet. You have already worked great things in him for you the past couple of years and I just want to raise my hands and say "hallelujah"! I pray the trip will be good time together for many reasons, but mostly for that. If you can use me to get him closer to you than it would be answered prayer indeed.

I pray for the thought that entered into my mind about the new half way house for girls who need someone to help with Bible studies on Sunday nights. Having a bit of experience in this now which seems to be going well, there was a catch in my heart (from me or from you?) that maybe I could do this for teenage girls. Of course in the next nano-second I thought "No, I couldn't handle that." and I do wonder if I am ready to give a study with unbelievers or perhaps even young girls who don't really want to be there. And yet. And yet.... I so want to get outside of the church walls. I don't want to always only be preaching to the choir, you know? You told us to go out in the community. It's the Great Commission, but I've been (am) so scared sometimes. So please help me to be discerning here.

I pray you make a way for Ben to find a Christian school near his job so that he can go back to school and study about YOU! Talk about a theologian - he would be such a good candidate for that and he has such a yearning to learn about you and your word. I pray if it is your will you will make it so for him.

As always I pray for my son, that you will mature him, reveal yourself to him, that he will find his identity in you and not of this world where he continually looks for validation. Oh I pray for my son, Christopher, to see you and life and his family in a new and different way. Lift the veil, Lord!! And at the same time I am so grateful for all the good things about him, that you gave him caution that has stopped him so many times from doing things he should not, that we communicate, that he has a good sense of humor. Oh, if only he had eyes for you as well. But surely our many conversation will help plant the seeds which will be harvested for you in time. I keep telling him to continue to ask the big and hard questions. You're big enough to take them! So please give him an answer, Father. Oh how I pray that this is so.

One more little thing. Or should I say two. Though I pine to be in a place where I can have dogs again, I sure do thank you for my two cats, Lucy and Georgie, who have been constant friends and companions for over a decade. Georgie will be 13 this month by the grace of you, and they add such measure and meaning to my life. Thank you that they are still in good health.

And all God's people said.

Amen.

Decisions

Lord,

There are some interesting and hopeful decisions to be made on the horizon which I am very grateful for. Please help me to be discerning, and not go by my emotions and reactions which can get this woman into trouble. Give me the strength that can only come from you to finally get to the end of this stronghold (or whatever it is!) in my life. And as I negotiate the highways and byways of this world, please protect me and give me sound judgment and wisdom.

Thank you so much for helping me in leading this Bible study. Thus far, even with a rotten cold, the studies have gone well, the discussions bright and lively and interesting. Being a leader forces you to learn more and I love that because, as you know dear Father, I tend to be a slacker and a skimmer at times (it's this hard wired laid back attitude you gave me!). But there has been some great feedback thus far which can only lead me to believe you are in fact able to work through this weak vessel. Praise God for that!

Give Merry the strength (after speaking all weekend at another women's retreat) to give the message today before Pastor Kent gets back. I see you working in her life way beyond the church and I can only hope I can do the same at some point.

I hear there is one more cool front pushing into hot and humid Florida and Lord you know I am grateful for relief from being ever "moist" with any movement whatsoever.

God is good all the time. All the time God is good.

Amen.

Beth Moore Live!

What an absolutely amazing weekend! Lord I thank you for Beth Moore and for working through her and her staff in a mighty, MIGHTY way to me and to so many others the last 24 hours. She is an incredible witness and instrument for you. She illuminates the Bible, she inspires passion, she challenges us to be all we can be in You, instills deep desire to be closer to You, Jesus. Tears of joy, praise, conviction, humbleness at your amazing grace. To also be in the presence of so many Believers as the Holy Spirit blew like a mighty wind. Awesome indeed. A fresh word was what she wanted to give us and indeed she did.

Thank you also for the time spent with my 12 friends who I shared the trip with. Thank you for your traveling mercies as I drove us the many hours up and back.

I am still filled to the top!

On This Easter Day...

I am overflowing
at the thought
of your sacrifice
at your humbling grace
and never ceasing love
for each and every one of us
whether our faces are turned to you
or not
we are loved unendingly

Day of Rest

Lord, I think of you today - the Sabbath day you rested in the tomb. I can imagine all was very quiet and drawn that day. Sadness loomed, feeling oppressive. Perhaps confusion was abounding as well and a terrible sense of emptiness.

Oh the contrast of what would be tomorrow. Oh how the angels would sing at the glory of your rising from death. How the weight of sadness would be transformed into utter and complete joy when those who walked with you would see you again! I can't wait to talk with them one day, to hear it face to face, to hear the amazing stories about that first Easter morning.

And so until then, Lord, my heart fills with warmth and gladness, undeserved thankfulness at your ultimate sacrifice for all of us, for the hope of someday reaching our real home with you as we walk through this often dark country far away from that place. Yet, you are here with us. Living, breathing and guiding us through the joys and sorrows on earth. How grateful I am to you as I shake my head in wonder at your love for us...

I bow to you and only you, Lord Jesus!

Thank you.

Saturday Morning

Lord I do thank you that the results of my tests came back so clear. "Excellent" is what the doctor kept saying as we went through the blood tests, the liver. No diabetes (I knew about the hypoglycemia already), no heart disease. My thyroid fine on the level of meds I take. Only a couple of minor, seemingly inconsequential things found. I thank you that you gave me parents who cared about what they fed their kids and that they didn't raise us on Cocoa Puffs and Pop Tarts and soda, but made sure we ate a mostly vegetarian diet, whole grains, good food. I'm sure that is what has helped me have such clean blood, liver and urine at this point.

Again, I am thankful, and yet you know I'm frustrated too. I have to admit, confess, that although I didn't want anything to be really "wrong", that perhaps there could be something that could explain why it is so hard for me to lose weight. It seems when I diet what others lose on I only maintain on, meaning I have to eat half as much and exercise twice as much as everyone else to budge the scales or so it seems (and to others as well). And then if I'm lucky I will lose for 3 or 4 months and then it just stops. Stops! Doesn't feel like a plateau, it feels like I hit a brick wall. That is so hard for me to keep going on what seems like so little food and so much sacrifice.

I know, drivel, drivel, whine, whine. But, Lord, you gotta know I'm frustrated. I was hoping there was an answer to that but perhaps it was how you genetically made me and I have to keep trying until I find the right answer for me. It is so tiring, Lord. You know how exhausted (not just tired, but exhausted) I get now. Such a viscous circle it puts a person in when they get heavy. So what do I pray for? I guess complete obedience regarding this? Um, maybe not that. Perhaps a change of heart and mind and an attitude adjustment towards food and my situation I suppose. So, Lord, I pray for that and for whatever I am supposed to learn and understand regarding this particular journey of my life.

Oh, I am so truly grateful for the lectures on Paul I have been hearing on that long drive to and from the doctors. Also for the Dallas Willard book that is just so amazing and exciting to read. Over and over again I see that you want a living, breathing, intimate relationship of faith with us, not the rules, the regs, the legalism that humans want to place into "religion". I see how Abraham, who had none of those instructions you later gave, had complete and utter faith in you and that is what made him righteous! Oh Lord how I love that and attain to that myself. And I thank you that I am so filled with passion over this and other things as I start the new Bible study soon. It is only by learning and studying that we start to comprehend the overall picture you want for us. It really is incredibly exciting.

Thanks for last night, when the Women's Ministry met for dinner. Again, puts a smile on my face to see how many were touched in the community and outside of our church, and already we are putting our prayers and thoughts into next year's retreat. Thank you Father God for all of this!

So, on I go. As always, I lay my son before you (I "lay my Isaac down"), my marriage, my life.

Laura

State of Health

Dear Lord,

Thank you for so much for all that I have. Help me to be ever grateful of what you have done in my life and all you have given me. Help me to always do the right thing no matter the cost.

Be with my doctor tomorrow as he reviews all the tests I have undergone the last month of my heart, my thyroid, my blood sugar, etc. Give him the wisdom to diagnose me correctly. And please, Lord, be with me as I hear the news. Help me retain it, ask the right questions, and most importantly (and what I have the hardest time with), help me to be able to change my life permanently in the way I need to based upon the results I receive. I so pray this will help give me a better game plan for my health, curtailed to the findings.

Thank you for the long conversation with my son about You, Christianity and faith. Forgive his immature ideas and lack of knowledge. I ask you to honor his searching in all these areas and I pray again for you to reveal yourself to him and that he will be saved into your kingdom. Help me to be a better witness. With all the knowledge I have gleaned over the past few years I was so grateful for it so I could teach him about your promises, redemption, Christian history, how the Muslim nation began with Ishmael. I could see he was truly listening to that and was impressed that was foretold and happened in the Bible. Bring him to you, Lord Jesus! As I always pray, give him eyes to see and ears to hear and to make a decision for you.

I pray you will be with me as I lead the Beth Moore study in two weeks on Paul. I pray you work through and give me the discipline, wisdom and words to help the ladies who will be attending. I pray for the hearts of all who will attend or are thinking of attending, that we all will be inspired as we see the Bible and Paul illuminated in a way perhaps we've never known before through the gift you have given Beth Moore.

I pray for all those in need. May they seek you, find you, feel your strength and comfort always.

In your precious name I pray,

Amen.

Anointing

Father, I hope that what I did was right when I anointed our home with oil today. Before I started, as I closed my prayer with the words, "In Jesus name", was that You in the sunshine that suddenly came out and flooded the room so that even with my eyes closed I noticed? So perfectly timed it was...

After our Sunday school teacher informed us that he had done the same, it just seemed like it was the right thing to do at our home. You know I've never really done anything like that before, except in my old New Age days (which made me feel weird), so I do pray you will honor my intentions in doing so now. I know it is merely a symbol, but I prayed my way around the house outside, anointing every door and window, and then inside the house doing the same, especially in Chris' room, praying the Holy Spirit would be through the whole house, that evil could not live or remain here.

May it be so, Lord, may it be so.

Thank you for answered prayer yesterday. I was up at the alter praying for C and B's hearts to be warmed toward each other during the church service and by lunch B started to talk about how maybe we could start praying together for C, that he wanted to work with me, that the wall of unforgiveness was not working. Little did I know he had read this very blog about how alone I felt regarding parenting, why I couldn't go to him. It is strange how You worked through my own words, unbeknown to me, to help him see things in a different way. Just by knowing he would want to pray for C together shows me his heart is warmer. Right there at the restaurant the tears just started to slip out I was so thankful. We have wanted to pray together for some time and always stumbled and stopped. Now we are going to try to recommit to that important part of our marriage.

During the service yesterday there was a marriage renewal ceremony for those in the church that wanted to do so. A great many couples went forward including K and her husband. K is battling, what seems to be a courageous but losing battle with cancer. She is stick thin and walked painfully to the front. Everyone who saw her was so struck to the core that this could possibly be their last year together even though they are only in their 40's and have teenage children. It was heartbreaking to hear "Until death do us part" knowing theirs could be much too soon. They cried. We cried. God bless them, Lord. Keep them in the palm of Your hand. Grant them strength, comfort and peace.

God bless our Sunday School teacher, B, who made the tough decision to stop teaching our class in lieu of furthering his evangelism with kids. It is the right decision even though we will surely miss his insight, knowledge and instruction. It was not a big surprise to hear he had decided this and when I think of all the kids he will bring to You, then how could we not let him go in kindness? So please bless him in this venture.

Thank you for a good week ahead. Thank you that the new integrative doctor will accurately diagnose me. Bless the people who will perform the ultra sound on my thyroid and may all the other tests have no mistakes to alter the findings. Guide me, direct me and all the professionals as well regarding what I should do. Only You know if this is what will help me in losing weight, lessening the headaches, etc.

Help us to be ever closer to you, Lord. Help us to be who you want us to be.

I love you,

Laura

Worry/Fear/Stress

Lord, you know what's killing me right now. You saw and heard me on my knees at 5:30 am petitioning you because I could no longer sleep. I read Proverbs and it only made me feel lousy. Help me get through this. Help me to be stronger. Give me a new way that may penetrate. Help me to have peace because my stomach, as so often is the case regarding my son, is in a knot. I am at a loss. Ever I try to make things change and ever does he insist on keeping things the same.

Yesterday sent me totally over the edge and I'm still not recovered. I felt shell shocked afterwards that he displayed such behavior over such a minor thing. But he wanted it so he was bound and determined to get it and when I said no the games began. I look at other parents who are almost gleeful in making their kids sweat so they can learn a lesson. You did not seem to create me with that gene because all I feel is pain and always I feel like a lousy parent. Sure, I'm compassionate and forgiving and loving and supportive, but that is not enough. I try to set limits to the point where he won't outright rebel. I have disciplined him as a child (though no one would know that now looking at him) growing up. I tried to teach him right from wrong. And he is not a bad kid, but he is totally self absorbed and of this world and has no ambition. The slacker skateboard dude. Arrested development personified at age 18. Who is this child that came from my loins? Why did you give him to me if I am such a lousy parent? Thank God the love is there, the love is there on both parts, but it's bruised and battered on my end a lot of the time. I am so tired. I am begging you. Please help. Show us each the way...

Lent

Lord, thanks for the learning lesson this morning. Wow is all I can say. And the lesson took me from hopelessness to hopefulness. Left to my own devices I spiral down to the black abyss. Note to self; always hang on to God and He will show me the way. Why do I forget that?

I have never done the whole Lent thing. Did not grow up with it and always thought it was a Catholic ritual. But now attending a Methodist church I understand the intent behind it and I like it. It's a time of self reflection, of discipline and sacrifice. Not that those things "count" in salvation, but certainly they can be good tools on the path of spiritual growth and in addition you know, Lord, I need discipline in my rebellious nature. So thank you for directing me to the book on Lent at the library and I pray that I can take these 40 days to daily dig deeper with You.

Thank you for the transformation of Laura. I know I can't even see it sometimes, but when I look back on the last few years it is humbling and amazing.

Prayers always for my family and for so many who are in such dire need of your comfort and peace around this world where evil lives. Be with us, Father God, through all we must endure. Help us to understand.

Thank you for finding me again.

Laura

Britney

Dear Father,

I pray for this young woman whose life is spiraling out of control into the depths of an unmanageable and dangerous life. I pray you are with her family, with her doctors, that you will penetrate her mind to see she needs help to lead a normal and healthy life. Be with the doctors that they may help her so she can see a different life for herself. Extend your grace to her and her family. Help her to see you once again, your healing light shining down on her. Forgive any of us who have played a part in her downfall.

Amen.

Help

Lord, I am too full of compassion and sympathy and understanding for my child I know, yet I am the only one who has even a shred of patience and who can extend grace (unmerited favor) to him. Virtually the only, besides perhaps You, who loves C and can sympathize with some points in his life. Always I feel like an utter failure as a parent when everyone thinks I am so soft because I do understand in some ways. I cannot seem to get to a point where I don't care and be a bitch and be tough and seemingly uncaring to force him as other parents do. I don't know why I am always for the underdog, always seeing that side, always compassionate, but I just am. And it makes me feel very, very alone. A failure that I am not tougher when I just cannot seem to be. My heart completely breaks when I see that his father has so let him down in so many ways. J still occasionally tries to act as a dad "should" do but with such a superficial relationship he can't be hard on C when he's never in his life, doesn't really know about him, has never taken the time and C knows that! B is my husband but when he talks about getting tough with Chris (and I know some of what he says is true) it is so tainted with disgust and void of any love or grace that I immediately become defensive. If we both could talk like two people who loved and wanted to guide him it would help me to be tougher but if you can't stand my child it just changes things and I become the mother bear who is the only (ONLY) one to protect her child.

Maybe I should do as Merry said in her message at the retreat; don't apologize for being how I am, how You made me. Even though ironically it is the opposite of Merry - who is very black and white and has had to be tough with her addict daughter so it is good she was that way - she came to the point where she felt You told her not to apologize for being the way You made her (when she felt she should change because of what others critically said of her). Maybe for me I am the only one for my child who gives him grace (yes, even if he doesn't deserve it).

So, Lord, fill me with your direction, Lord, fill me with your peace.Help me to be stronger where I should be, I beg you. Most of all, change my beautiful boy and bless him with maturity, courage to start his life when things are not perfect, give him understanding of what life is really about. He is so immature in his thoughts and maybe that is partly my fault (forgive me for my part in that, as I know since I've been a single mom I have tried to make up for his dad's lack of love not in material things but in not always drawing a line in the sand towards war in the house). I beg you to help him, Lord. And help me to help him. And help me to accept who I am while still striving to be stronger as a parent.

Be with us in a strong way.

Amen.

The First Gift

So the first gift, Lord, upon starting the day of the retreat was the sunrise you blessed me with. This image could not show the beautiful reality and the peaceful calm it gave my soul as I quickly took a picture as I walked into church. I knew it would be a wonderful day.

And it was. Oh thank you Lord for all the women who came, how their hearts were warmed and the tears fell by days end, how you were able to work through all of us to enable the women to have a wonderful day set apart, a retreat from the world and enfolded in your arms.

Specifically with Kim and myself and I am so grateful you gave us the words to say. Kim's personal story drew everyone in and it was gratifying to hear my suggestions on deepening their "Garden of Knowledge" seemed to touch many. Thank you for giving us the words and what a privilege that we could be a part of this day along with the many other women who taught and helped.

Thank you, also, that B came and helped the other men serve us lunch. Those types of situations are not always easy for my beautiful husband, but he did it and it went well....and Lord forgive me that in the middle of that Christian setting I just wanted to throw myself at my husband, he looked so good to my eyes. Actually, I take that back. I thank you for that, that the passion still flares beautifully between a wife and a husband.

So grateful, so grateful....

L~

At Last

Lord, as you know, tomorrow is finally the day of the retreat. The sanctuary and Christian Life Center are blooming with the garden theme. All of our classrooms look glorious with decorations of flowers and gardens - all of your creation. I feel your presence so powerfully through nature that it is a pleasure and a comfort to be around all the colors of the flowers, the greenery, yes even the little silk butterflies. I'm not much of a girly-girl but I find myself smiling looking at it all.

Our devotion and prayer time with the team last night was just beautiful. Did you see us all in circle, holding hands and praying to you? We ask you to remove all pride and expectations and just move powerfully through us. We are hearing more and more that of the 140+ women coming, many are either unchurched or have not been in many years, or even only go on Sunday and do nothing more. Oh, Lord, what an opportunity! Please work through us to show them more of your love and mercy and grace. Help them to thirst for more from what they see and feel and hear tomorrow.

I am so thankful! Lately I just throw my hands in the air, out of nowhere, for "no" reason and say, "Praise you, Lord Jesus! Thank you!"

To your glory, Lord.

L~

Thankful

Good morning Lord,

Thank you that you worked through Janey at her sister's women's retreat last weekend. The ladies were moved and it was a great day. Was beautiful to see twin sisters who loved each other deeply. We, from St. Johns, as you know Lord, too up an entire pew, including Janey's daughter. At one point we all were sniffling and thank goodness I had brought a full pack of tissues, which went down the entire pew with everyone taking one. It was also so beautiful to see the seeds we sowed last year coming to fruition with their own ladies doing a great job themselves.

Now it is our turn this weekend for the women at our own church. Thank you for working through all of us to inspire the women to be closer to you, to give them a truly special and inspirational day that is set apart for them. I ask specifically for myself as well, that nerves won't get in the way of delivery, that I will remember what I feel you want me to say (I know you will take care of this with whatever words come from my mouth). That truly you will speak through me. Thank you, Father, for this.

I did so well eating at last weekend's retreat, thank you for being with me through that really big challenge. Although I have already lost some weight, I know it will only get harder as time goes on. Please help me to lean on you completely. It's something I need to learn more I know! Please help me to learn what I am supposed to learn through this particular journey.

You have also helped put B’s words to echo many times in my ears lately as I am tempted; this is the year we fight to get healthy. That means a little pain, Laura, and a lot of sacrifice and behavior modification. Although I said I was willing to sacrifice, it’s another thing to actually endure it! So thank you, dear Lord, for being with me and helping me overcome and set my priorities with food the way they should be. I pray that eventually these foods will not have so much of an appeal to me any longer. That would be such a blessing.

Thanks for giving B a great night last night. He so seldom gets out of the house and does something fun. We have spent too little time together and since he still does not feel comfortable to leave C alone overnight, it makes for us sometimes to lead separate lives. You planted the seed that we get away the weekend after next for the whole day. He loved the idea too and we now look forward to it.

So help me get through this weekend. Saturday is the retreat which is the full day, Sunday morning I have to help with the hospitality table early in the morning at church. Help me to have the energy I need to get through it all.

Thank you for all the many, many blessings in my life. Help me to ever move towards You and for me not to just talk about it, but for myself also, to keep tending to my spiritual garden.

Peace!

L~

Slowing it Down

Thank you for showing me (in my soul and through other people) to slow. it. down. To stay focused on what I know is true and what is working, to not project into the future, not feeling bad about people feeling bad about me (so silly), to not have all the questions answered now. For helping me to give it to you.

So, I keep plodding on and the whole food thing is working in the way that is tailored best for me, and you are there to remind me when I'm tempted that, oh yeah, that would not be best would it? A cup of tea might be better right about now when I have a snack attack mid afternoon. Oh Lord, what would I do without you? There are people dying in this tragic world and people dealing with so much, and yet you still help me with these minor problems (okay, they seem pretty big to me relatively speaking).

Again I ask for you to work through all of us ladies as we do our retreats and our classes. May the women be inspired to move closer to you and enrich their spiritual lives.

Please somehow help to get C. a job so that he realizes the value in good hard work, a paycheck, and start to make a life for himself. He needs humbling I know, and I am scared to pray about that....you know my fears and my weaknesses. Please help me to be a better parent to my son. I am compassionate, we talk much more openly than most parents and kids, but it is hard for me to draw a firm line sometimes. I am so mentally tired when it comes to this and C. will never know how fierce my love is for him. Oh if he only knew. But I know he is yours, Lord, also, so I "lay my Isaac down" to you, Lord. Please work in him a new life.

Hands lifted to you Jesus, in praise and thanksgiving for so much in my life. Bring me ever closer to you. Work through me to others I pray.

Amen

Restore Me

Lord,

Just when I think I know where you are leading me I find myself in a place, overloaded with too much information, and not sure of what I am to do. That is where I am again after today. And I am so tired I can hardly move at the moment, and somehow feeling really down with the confusion of it all swirling in my head. I seek your direction, your peace, my hand reaching out to you.

Please help me. Help me to know what to do. Because all I really want to do right now is to crawl into a hole and curl up and sleep for a few months to make it all go away. I don't want to be back on that slippery slope, so please, Lord, please come through for me and restore me again.

Tuesday Ramblings

Good morning Lord,

I feel like all the tall weeds are finally being plowed down so I can see the way you are leading me. Thanks for having me call C. and I pray that when I attend the meeting this Thursday that it will be as good as I feel it should be. I feel more and more confident that this is way for me to go as it seems to just set well with me when I go in that direction. I'm sure it will be hard as I go through the steps and have to surrender ever more, but at least the foundation feels good and it feels like a good fit now. Thank you God after the turmoil it felt like I was going through.

Lord, please soften M's mother's heart after the horrible time they had when M was up north visiting her over Christmas. Help her to let go of her self absorbed bitterness and see what a treasure she has in her daughter who she seems bent on hurting. I pray for reconciliation there.

Thank you for working through K as she prepares to share the speaking in our "garden" at the women's retreat. It sounds like you've truly inspired her (yes, even if it was in the dentist's chair, but you work where you can, right?!). I pray that you will move through K and myself as we speak to the ladies in "The Garden of Knowledge/The Secret Garden". Help me to be able to talk without having to look at my notes too much. That means preparation which I hate but must do. I thank you for all the special ladies who are giving of their time and spirits to put this retreat on for all the ladies of our church and beyond. It's exciting and we are grateful and our hands are lifted to you and pray all will be moved by your Spirit that day.

Thank you that B seems to be in a better frame of mind, that he will return to the men's group tomorrow evening. That's a big step. Continue to transform his mind, dear Lord, and help him to feel connected to others, not just me and his family.

As always I ask (beg) to bestow maturity on my son. I pray he sees the value in getting a job and not being afraid of hard work. I see so much that my words fall on deaf ears. I see him think he can only make it through the gains of money and power and it grieves my entire body and spirit (these things that have always been so foreign to me even when I was away from you). I am mother and father to him and it just feels impossible sometimes. I adore him and see such hope and intelligence and value in his art, yet he can't see it, he has nothing to pull him through, he seems lost and afraid under the guise of machismo. So, please, Lord, please I beg you! Send him someone to help inspire hope and motivation and goals as apparently it is not me who can do it, which I know is often the case with parents and kids. Bring him through, find him, mature him, help him to be productive and understand the true value in you, family and doing the right thing. Hear this mother's prayer!!!

I have been lacking in my quiet time with you (which ironically is what I am speaking about at the women's retreat. Sigh!) and I need to take the time to take the time! Life can be so fractured sometimes as a mother, as a wife, keeping the house, work, church, volunteering and it's essential to take it down a notch. I promise today to take that time and make it a priority.

Help me to always be in a posture of gratitude, appreciation and singing your praises. It puts me in such a better place. It calms me down.

I love you Lord. Thank you for knowing me and loving me and guiding me and letting me rest in your strength.

Amen

Tweaked

Hi Lord. Me again. It's been another crazy 24 hours regarding this whole diet thing. Good grief, just take me through to the right place and let me get along with the rest of my life, will ya?!

I thought I had made a final decision until I had that other phone call with V. yesterday afternoon. Both A & V kind of using Nazi intimidation tactics. If I don't go to meetings 2 hours away I guess I'm not desperate enough. Um...yeah, I guess so. Maybe my problems, thank you Lord, are not as hard core as some others who need that. I don't know, but luckily you gave B, my beloved husband, to be objective and set me straight and tell me what the best thing is to do was which I immediately agreed with once he said it. Talking with J this morning confirmed it as well.

Still basically going to do what I set out to do with changing my physical health and eliminating things you did not make in this world (all those nasty refined things humans created) and growing and learning on the spiritual side of things. I know S will probably not understand when she finds out, but that is yet another thing I ask you for, Lord. I worry too much about what other people think of me to a ridiculous point, to my own detriment. So help me to set boundaries and not worry about other peoples lives or what they might think of me. It is my life you gave me and help me to only look to you and not others.

Oh, Father God, this cold, cold day in Florida is so very glorious. A strong north wind blowing and a deep blue sky and a sweater on and , good heavens, even socks and slippers on my feet. I love it. Love it! Thank you for this reward after the dog days of summer down here.

I pray to bring me back the peaceful girl I once was. Only you can give me that.

Amen

Thank you!

So it's the end of day one. I prayed before each meal, "Father please help this to satisfy me. Thank you for the good food, whole grains, green vegetables, protein." I haven't always been good about bowing my head before meals, and this helps me to thank you and and ask you to help me before everything that I eat. I like that.

Not eating between meals was a bit of challenge, you know Lord, because I am the world's best grazer all the day through. I would pride myself that I was not someone who binged, but you know I was just fooling myself in how much really went into this mouth of mine, the games I played with myself that only hurt me (and you too). But I hope to make a good clean turn in all of this. I would not have ever even thought of no sugar and no flour as even an option, but the more you brought it before me, the more I see this could be what I need to clean my body of perhaps what may be an adverse reaction to these things that others may not feel. I would have thought this would be unsustainable, and who knows maybe it will be, but for now I lean on you, Lord. Only with you can this be possible, not leaning on myself as I always have tried to before. So many who have been in this say it's a miracle from God. I'm not even looking for a miracle, just a way to neutralize what food has become in my life. And I give all the glory to you.

So I made it to the end of the day and it's not bad for the first day. No shakiness - because there were no refined flours or sugar in my body to create that. No headaches which I'm so prone to, thank God. But hunger? Um...yeah! But at least it was real hunger for real reasons. And then the meals tasted good and they were satisfying - oh praise you God! I know it's early on and there will be mountains to climb, but this first day has been awesome and much better than I thought it would be. It at least lays a decent foundation on which to build upon.

You also brought A. to me in the phone call who helped me make a good decision of which program to go with. Thank you for that. Since he's been on all the programs I've considered, and has been successful in maintaining over a 100 lb. loss for a couple of years (Just like S. who lost 75 lbs. five years ago), I do believe this organization combines all the necessary steps of mind, body and spiritual soul. At least I hope so as I reach out in faith.

So thank you again, Lord, for this first day of the year. For this first day of transition out of the cocoon of my own making that has created depression, despair, isolation, and the worst thing of all, a separation from you in this part of my life (sin) I have persisted in. It is gluttony, plain and simple.

Your mercies are great and I pray for them to continue. Like manna from heaven I only ask for you to help me one day at a time, and to not look at the whole, big, daunting picture that tends to crush my heart and my hope.

So, as always, dear Lord and friend, thanks for everything.

And thanks for listening too.

L~

Happy New Year

Father God, thank you for hope in the new year. I think tomorrow is D Day, regardless of which organization I go with, regardless that it's the first day of the year (hate those "new year resolutions" that fall away within weeks) and tomorrow my diet goes clean because I cannot wait any longer. Gulp. Yes. The time is here. Oh Lord have mercy as I dare to believe this will be what helps me become healthier again and neutralizes this idol I have made food into. Help me as I detox away from these foods. Be with me in my decisions moment by moment. Bring me through the fire. Help me (us) in all ways, Lord Jesus. I pray for peace amidst the chaos, a stronger foundation of faith to walk the walk ever closer to you. I am ready to leave 2007 behind, as is my whole family, as it's not been the best year. This new year will be better as you work stronger in our lives. This is the year we get healthier and stronger physically, emotionally and spiritually. We thank you for these blessings so that you can better use us to be your hands and feet.

Happy New Year
Bring it on!

Surrender

Father,

You know how you have been working on me mightily the past two weeks. I have asked and asked how to surrender more to you, how to loosen a particular stronghold in my life, and when you showed it more clearly to me, what did I do? I squealed like a baby and rebelled as I always have, having no faith that I could do it, rebelling in the discomfort that would follow by doing what I need to do, for having to change so much in ways that scare and frighten me.

But in your patience, you softened my heart, chastened me in the way only a parent can. These turn of events initially tipped my thoughts, mind and soul into tipsy turvy chaos, then came round to resonating deeply. You made me realize that all things about this I will miss (making it into an idol), resent (there are far better things then this), feel are not in my nature (discipline), are all the VERY THINGS I must learn to overcome to be closer to You.

Oh, Lord, I am so grateful that you orchestrated this whole thing, from the first thought in my head to contact someone I hadn't even thought about in years, to using her words to gently, but deeply pierce my soul. Already I sense a deeper surrender than ever before and I know I will only be able to hang onto you through this. But I do feel you leading me to this and so that gives me comfort as I go through your pruning process. No doubt I'll be doing some more squealing, but I rely FULLY on YOUR STRENGTH, not my own, to finally conquer this area of my life. Oh, Lord, may it be so!

I thank you also for the peace you have put within me during this Christmas season. I really just wanted to be close to you, feel your presence around me, not worry about material things, or missing my mother during this time, and you did that for me. B. goes away the day after Christmas and I look forward to that time alone with you and on my own, to prepare for the transition to come.

Be with us through this coming year, dear Lord. I am humbled by all you have done, and continue to do, in my life. I keep my request for my son before you always and persistently, that he, too, will see and accept your grace.

I love you, Father.

Laura

Tuesday

Good morning, Lord. First let me thank you for working in my son's life, that he came to me about my cutting his money off to force him to get a job, when that very morning I had decided I must be strong and do that very thing. By working in his life you made the situation far less volatile and I am so very grateful for that. Now, to remain strong and for him to actually get a job and have the intent to do so, rather then half heartedly filling out an application here and there. You are working in his life and I thank you for that (why do I ever doubt that? Forgive me when my faith weakens). Please keep him in the palm of your hand. Find him Lord as you found me! May he have eyes to see and ears to hear you, this is my RELENTLESS prayer to you.

Thank you for a wonderful day last Friday visiting with my good friend, B. I realized I have known her for 20 years now! That is a lot for me considering all my moves and and friends I had to leave behind and who eventually lost touch with me. This friendship B. and I fought for during my divorce and we are so grateful that we weathered that storm and now look at us; both of us close to you and sharing our faith with each other. What a blessing!

Thank you for my husband feeling better. I prayed that he would feel your peace, your comfort, and most of all your unconditional love and NO condemnation that Satan often throws his way. To see him this morning, like 20 lbs. had been lifted off his face and shoulders. Oh, thank you Father!

I pray that I will have discernment about the field of transcription work, whether to train for medical transcription (costly and other factors to consider) or to try my hand at general transcription.

As always, I pray for the stronghold of my weight issue. It seems as if you have been placing before me to do a recovery program regarding this. Possibly Celebrate Recovery, possibly OA (gulp), possibly just doing the steps as B, did in the Recovery Bible which I already have. Please help me to know what to do. It is surely unmanageable at this point and perhaps I need help further then myself. I just don't know. It is one failure after another. It seems the more I try to surrender it and give it to you the worse I get and I just do not understand it. Celebrate Recovery's John Baker writes of praying not to drink as he walked into a bar. I can relate as I walk into the kitchen. Give me affirmations and discernment regarding this, please!

Thank you for this glorious cool weather that finally comes through this Florida window, for the gorgeous live Christmas tree I got yesterday which fills the house with warmth and a great smell. Oh keep me in your spirit and close to you this Christmas season.

I love you , Lord Jesus, my Redeemer, my friend.

Amen