Britney

Dear Father,

I pray for this young woman whose life is spiraling out of control into the depths of an unmanageable and dangerous life. I pray you are with her family, with her doctors, that you will penetrate her mind to see she needs help to lead a normal and healthy life. Be with the doctors that they may help her so she can see a different life for herself. Extend your grace to her and her family. Help her to see you once again, your healing light shining down on her. Forgive any of us who have played a part in her downfall.

Amen.

Help

Lord, I am too full of compassion and sympathy and understanding for my child I know, yet I am the only one who has even a shred of patience and who can extend grace (unmerited favor) to him. Virtually the only, besides perhaps You, who loves C and can sympathize with some points in his life. Always I feel like an utter failure as a parent when everyone thinks I am so soft because I do understand in some ways. I cannot seem to get to a point where I don't care and be a bitch and be tough and seemingly uncaring to force him as other parents do. I don't know why I am always for the underdog, always seeing that side, always compassionate, but I just am. And it makes me feel very, very alone. A failure that I am not tougher when I just cannot seem to be. My heart completely breaks when I see that his father has so let him down in so many ways. J still occasionally tries to act as a dad "should" do but with such a superficial relationship he can't be hard on C when he's never in his life, doesn't really know about him, has never taken the time and C knows that! B is my husband but when he talks about getting tough with Chris (and I know some of what he says is true) it is so tainted with disgust and void of any love or grace that I immediately become defensive. If we both could talk like two people who loved and wanted to guide him it would help me to be tougher but if you can't stand my child it just changes things and I become the mother bear who is the only (ONLY) one to protect her child.

Maybe I should do as Merry said in her message at the retreat; don't apologize for being how I am, how You made me. Even though ironically it is the opposite of Merry - who is very black and white and has had to be tough with her addict daughter so it is good she was that way - she came to the point where she felt You told her not to apologize for being the way You made her (when she felt she should change because of what others critically said of her). Maybe for me I am the only one for my child who gives him grace (yes, even if he doesn't deserve it).

So, Lord, fill me with your direction, Lord, fill me with your peace.Help me to be stronger where I should be, I beg you. Most of all, change my beautiful boy and bless him with maturity, courage to start his life when things are not perfect, give him understanding of what life is really about. He is so immature in his thoughts and maybe that is partly my fault (forgive me for my part in that, as I know since I've been a single mom I have tried to make up for his dad's lack of love not in material things but in not always drawing a line in the sand towards war in the house). I beg you to help him, Lord. And help me to help him. And help me to accept who I am while still striving to be stronger as a parent.

Be with us in a strong way.

Amen.

The First Gift

So the first gift, Lord, upon starting the day of the retreat was the sunrise you blessed me with. This image could not show the beautiful reality and the peaceful calm it gave my soul as I quickly took a picture as I walked into church. I knew it would be a wonderful day.

And it was. Oh thank you Lord for all the women who came, how their hearts were warmed and the tears fell by days end, how you were able to work through all of us to enable the women to have a wonderful day set apart, a retreat from the world and enfolded in your arms.

Specifically with Kim and myself and I am so grateful you gave us the words to say. Kim's personal story drew everyone in and it was gratifying to hear my suggestions on deepening their "Garden of Knowledge" seemed to touch many. Thank you for giving us the words and what a privilege that we could be a part of this day along with the many other women who taught and helped.

Thank you, also, that B came and helped the other men serve us lunch. Those types of situations are not always easy for my beautiful husband, but he did it and it went well....and Lord forgive me that in the middle of that Christian setting I just wanted to throw myself at my husband, he looked so good to my eyes. Actually, I take that back. I thank you for that, that the passion still flares beautifully between a wife and a husband.

So grateful, so grateful....

L~

At Last

Lord, as you know, tomorrow is finally the day of the retreat. The sanctuary and Christian Life Center are blooming with the garden theme. All of our classrooms look glorious with decorations of flowers and gardens - all of your creation. I feel your presence so powerfully through nature that it is a pleasure and a comfort to be around all the colors of the flowers, the greenery, yes even the little silk butterflies. I'm not much of a girly-girl but I find myself smiling looking at it all.

Our devotion and prayer time with the team last night was just beautiful. Did you see us all in circle, holding hands and praying to you? We ask you to remove all pride and expectations and just move powerfully through us. We are hearing more and more that of the 140+ women coming, many are either unchurched or have not been in many years, or even only go on Sunday and do nothing more. Oh, Lord, what an opportunity! Please work through us to show them more of your love and mercy and grace. Help them to thirst for more from what they see and feel and hear tomorrow.

I am so thankful! Lately I just throw my hands in the air, out of nowhere, for "no" reason and say, "Praise you, Lord Jesus! Thank you!"

To your glory, Lord.

L~

Thankful

Good morning Lord,

Thank you that you worked through Janey at her sister's women's retreat last weekend. The ladies were moved and it was a great day. Was beautiful to see twin sisters who loved each other deeply. We, from St. Johns, as you know Lord, too up an entire pew, including Janey's daughter. At one point we all were sniffling and thank goodness I had brought a full pack of tissues, which went down the entire pew with everyone taking one. It was also so beautiful to see the seeds we sowed last year coming to fruition with their own ladies doing a great job themselves.

Now it is our turn this weekend for the women at our own church. Thank you for working through all of us to inspire the women to be closer to you, to give them a truly special and inspirational day that is set apart for them. I ask specifically for myself as well, that nerves won't get in the way of delivery, that I will remember what I feel you want me to say (I know you will take care of this with whatever words come from my mouth). That truly you will speak through me. Thank you, Father, for this.

I did so well eating at last weekend's retreat, thank you for being with me through that really big challenge. Although I have already lost some weight, I know it will only get harder as time goes on. Please help me to lean on you completely. It's something I need to learn more I know! Please help me to learn what I am supposed to learn through this particular journey.

You have also helped put B’s words to echo many times in my ears lately as I am tempted; this is the year we fight to get healthy. That means a little pain, Laura, and a lot of sacrifice and behavior modification. Although I said I was willing to sacrifice, it’s another thing to actually endure it! So thank you, dear Lord, for being with me and helping me overcome and set my priorities with food the way they should be. I pray that eventually these foods will not have so much of an appeal to me any longer. That would be such a blessing.

Thanks for giving B a great night last night. He so seldom gets out of the house and does something fun. We have spent too little time together and since he still does not feel comfortable to leave C alone overnight, it makes for us sometimes to lead separate lives. You planted the seed that we get away the weekend after next for the whole day. He loved the idea too and we now look forward to it.

So help me get through this weekend. Saturday is the retreat which is the full day, Sunday morning I have to help with the hospitality table early in the morning at church. Help me to have the energy I need to get through it all.

Thank you for all the many, many blessings in my life. Help me to ever move towards You and for me not to just talk about it, but for myself also, to keep tending to my spiritual garden.

Peace!

L~

Slowing it Down

Thank you for showing me (in my soul and through other people) to slow. it. down. To stay focused on what I know is true and what is working, to not project into the future, not feeling bad about people feeling bad about me (so silly), to not have all the questions answered now. For helping me to give it to you.

So, I keep plodding on and the whole food thing is working in the way that is tailored best for me, and you are there to remind me when I'm tempted that, oh yeah, that would not be best would it? A cup of tea might be better right about now when I have a snack attack mid afternoon. Oh Lord, what would I do without you? There are people dying in this tragic world and people dealing with so much, and yet you still help me with these minor problems (okay, they seem pretty big to me relatively speaking).

Again I ask for you to work through all of us ladies as we do our retreats and our classes. May the women be inspired to move closer to you and enrich their spiritual lives.

Please somehow help to get C. a job so that he realizes the value in good hard work, a paycheck, and start to make a life for himself. He needs humbling I know, and I am scared to pray about that....you know my fears and my weaknesses. Please help me to be a better parent to my son. I am compassionate, we talk much more openly than most parents and kids, but it is hard for me to draw a firm line sometimes. I am so mentally tired when it comes to this and C. will never know how fierce my love is for him. Oh if he only knew. But I know he is yours, Lord, also, so I "lay my Isaac down" to you, Lord. Please work in him a new life.

Hands lifted to you Jesus, in praise and thanksgiving for so much in my life. Bring me ever closer to you. Work through me to others I pray.

Amen

Restore Me

Lord,

Just when I think I know where you are leading me I find myself in a place, overloaded with too much information, and not sure of what I am to do. That is where I am again after today. And I am so tired I can hardly move at the moment, and somehow feeling really down with the confusion of it all swirling in my head. I seek your direction, your peace, my hand reaching out to you.

Please help me. Help me to know what to do. Because all I really want to do right now is to crawl into a hole and curl up and sleep for a few months to make it all go away. I don't want to be back on that slippery slope, so please, Lord, please come through for me and restore me again.

Tuesday Ramblings

Good morning Lord,

I feel like all the tall weeds are finally being plowed down so I can see the way you are leading me. Thanks for having me call C. and I pray that when I attend the meeting this Thursday that it will be as good as I feel it should be. I feel more and more confident that this is way for me to go as it seems to just set well with me when I go in that direction. I'm sure it will be hard as I go through the steps and have to surrender ever more, but at least the foundation feels good and it feels like a good fit now. Thank you God after the turmoil it felt like I was going through.

Lord, please soften M's mother's heart after the horrible time they had when M was up north visiting her over Christmas. Help her to let go of her self absorbed bitterness and see what a treasure she has in her daughter who she seems bent on hurting. I pray for reconciliation there.

Thank you for working through K as she prepares to share the speaking in our "garden" at the women's retreat. It sounds like you've truly inspired her (yes, even if it was in the dentist's chair, but you work where you can, right?!). I pray that you will move through K and myself as we speak to the ladies in "The Garden of Knowledge/The Secret Garden". Help me to be able to talk without having to look at my notes too much. That means preparation which I hate but must do. I thank you for all the special ladies who are giving of their time and spirits to put this retreat on for all the ladies of our church and beyond. It's exciting and we are grateful and our hands are lifted to you and pray all will be moved by your Spirit that day.

Thank you that B seems to be in a better frame of mind, that he will return to the men's group tomorrow evening. That's a big step. Continue to transform his mind, dear Lord, and help him to feel connected to others, not just me and his family.

As always I ask (beg) to bestow maturity on my son. I pray he sees the value in getting a job and not being afraid of hard work. I see so much that my words fall on deaf ears. I see him think he can only make it through the gains of money and power and it grieves my entire body and spirit (these things that have always been so foreign to me even when I was away from you). I am mother and father to him and it just feels impossible sometimes. I adore him and see such hope and intelligence and value in his art, yet he can't see it, he has nothing to pull him through, he seems lost and afraid under the guise of machismo. So, please, Lord, please I beg you! Send him someone to help inspire hope and motivation and goals as apparently it is not me who can do it, which I know is often the case with parents and kids. Bring him through, find him, mature him, help him to be productive and understand the true value in you, family and doing the right thing. Hear this mother's prayer!!!

I have been lacking in my quiet time with you (which ironically is what I am speaking about at the women's retreat. Sigh!) and I need to take the time to take the time! Life can be so fractured sometimes as a mother, as a wife, keeping the house, work, church, volunteering and it's essential to take it down a notch. I promise today to take that time and make it a priority.

Help me to always be in a posture of gratitude, appreciation and singing your praises. It puts me in such a better place. It calms me down.

I love you Lord. Thank you for knowing me and loving me and guiding me and letting me rest in your strength.

Amen

Tweaked

Hi Lord. Me again. It's been another crazy 24 hours regarding this whole diet thing. Good grief, just take me through to the right place and let me get along with the rest of my life, will ya?!

I thought I had made a final decision until I had that other phone call with V. yesterday afternoon. Both A & V kind of using Nazi intimidation tactics. If I don't go to meetings 2 hours away I guess I'm not desperate enough. Um...yeah, I guess so. Maybe my problems, thank you Lord, are not as hard core as some others who need that. I don't know, but luckily you gave B, my beloved husband, to be objective and set me straight and tell me what the best thing is to do was which I immediately agreed with once he said it. Talking with J this morning confirmed it as well.

Still basically going to do what I set out to do with changing my physical health and eliminating things you did not make in this world (all those nasty refined things humans created) and growing and learning on the spiritual side of things. I know S will probably not understand when she finds out, but that is yet another thing I ask you for, Lord. I worry too much about what other people think of me to a ridiculous point, to my own detriment. So help me to set boundaries and not worry about other peoples lives or what they might think of me. It is my life you gave me and help me to only look to you and not others.

Oh, Father God, this cold, cold day in Florida is so very glorious. A strong north wind blowing and a deep blue sky and a sweater on and , good heavens, even socks and slippers on my feet. I love it. Love it! Thank you for this reward after the dog days of summer down here.

I pray to bring me back the peaceful girl I once was. Only you can give me that.

Amen

Thank you!

So it's the end of day one. I prayed before each meal, "Father please help this to satisfy me. Thank you for the good food, whole grains, green vegetables, protein." I haven't always been good about bowing my head before meals, and this helps me to thank you and and ask you to help me before everything that I eat. I like that.

Not eating between meals was a bit of challenge, you know Lord, because I am the world's best grazer all the day through. I would pride myself that I was not someone who binged, but you know I was just fooling myself in how much really went into this mouth of mine, the games I played with myself that only hurt me (and you too). But I hope to make a good clean turn in all of this. I would not have ever even thought of no sugar and no flour as even an option, but the more you brought it before me, the more I see this could be what I need to clean my body of perhaps what may be an adverse reaction to these things that others may not feel. I would have thought this would be unsustainable, and who knows maybe it will be, but for now I lean on you, Lord. Only with you can this be possible, not leaning on myself as I always have tried to before. So many who have been in this say it's a miracle from God. I'm not even looking for a miracle, just a way to neutralize what food has become in my life. And I give all the glory to you.

So I made it to the end of the day and it's not bad for the first day. No shakiness - because there were no refined flours or sugar in my body to create that. No headaches which I'm so prone to, thank God. But hunger? Um...yeah! But at least it was real hunger for real reasons. And then the meals tasted good and they were satisfying - oh praise you God! I know it's early on and there will be mountains to climb, but this first day has been awesome and much better than I thought it would be. It at least lays a decent foundation on which to build upon.

You also brought A. to me in the phone call who helped me make a good decision of which program to go with. Thank you for that. Since he's been on all the programs I've considered, and has been successful in maintaining over a 100 lb. loss for a couple of years (Just like S. who lost 75 lbs. five years ago), I do believe this organization combines all the necessary steps of mind, body and spiritual soul. At least I hope so as I reach out in faith.

So thank you again, Lord, for this first day of the year. For this first day of transition out of the cocoon of my own making that has created depression, despair, isolation, and the worst thing of all, a separation from you in this part of my life (sin) I have persisted in. It is gluttony, plain and simple.

Your mercies are great and I pray for them to continue. Like manna from heaven I only ask for you to help me one day at a time, and to not look at the whole, big, daunting picture that tends to crush my heart and my hope.

So, as always, dear Lord and friend, thanks for everything.

And thanks for listening too.

L~