Help

Lord, I am too full of compassion and sympathy and understanding for my child I know, yet I am the only one who has even a shred of patience and who can extend grace (unmerited favor) to him. Virtually the only, besides perhaps You, who loves C and can sympathize with some points in his life. Always I feel like an utter failure as a parent when everyone thinks I am so soft because I do understand in some ways. I cannot seem to get to a point where I don't care and be a bitch and be tough and seemingly uncaring to force him as other parents do. I don't know why I am always for the underdog, always seeing that side, always compassionate, but I just am. And it makes me feel very, very alone. A failure that I am not tougher when I just cannot seem to be. My heart completely breaks when I see that his father has so let him down in so many ways. J still occasionally tries to act as a dad "should" do but with such a superficial relationship he can't be hard on C when he's never in his life, doesn't really know about him, has never taken the time and C knows that! B is my husband but when he talks about getting tough with Chris (and I know some of what he says is true) it is so tainted with disgust and void of any love or grace that I immediately become defensive. If we both could talk like two people who loved and wanted to guide him it would help me to be tougher but if you can't stand my child it just changes things and I become the mother bear who is the only (ONLY) one to protect her child.

Maybe I should do as Merry said in her message at the retreat; don't apologize for being how I am, how You made me. Even though ironically it is the opposite of Merry - who is very black and white and has had to be tough with her addict daughter so it is good she was that way - she came to the point where she felt You told her not to apologize for being the way You made her (when she felt she should change because of what others critically said of her). Maybe for me I am the only one for my child who gives him grace (yes, even if he doesn't deserve it).

So, Lord, fill me with your direction, Lord, fill me with your peace.Help me to be stronger where I should be, I beg you. Most of all, change my beautiful boy and bless him with maturity, courage to start his life when things are not perfect, give him understanding of what life is really about. He is so immature in his thoughts and maybe that is partly my fault (forgive me for my part in that, as I know since I've been a single mom I have tried to make up for his dad's lack of love not in material things but in not always drawing a line in the sand towards war in the house). I beg you to help him, Lord. And help me to help him. And help me to accept who I am while still striving to be stronger as a parent.

Be with us in a strong way.

Amen.